wth...weaknes

Situation: I'm 22 hes 18..I have known him for two years, my little brother is good friends with his older brother. Recently (about 4 months ago) we started to show a bit of an interest in each other.I want more then he has to offer at this moment. He is 18 still in high school and he wants to focus on getting out of high school which is understandable..but if he thinks high school is hard how is college going to be?


I feel a little happy and a little disappointed in myself.. I didn't see Chris for a week, I was doing so good and I gave in yesterday...

C: What are you doing?
A: Nothing..
C: Can I see you?
A: Why do you want to see me Chris?
C: I miss you..

I'm happy because I saw him and everything seemed better I missed him....his smile his smell..especially his soft kisses... we didn't argue everything went great..so that leads me to think..I've grown to accept the whole situation I can look past getting jealous and his age. I think we saw too much of each other before, reasons for all the arguments so a week maybe was a good little break from each other. Disappointed in myself because I wish I was stronger and he didn't make me so weak. I'd do anything for him.. I wonder if he knows this?.. I don't know why..maybe because I love him? I do love him ..and I cant understand how I can fall in love with someone who doesn't have the same intentions right now and who knows what he wants in future .... I'm allowing myself to get hurt...all for what? its for what the present is bringing to me now..happiness..happiness for now...comfort of having someone there...but yet all this is doing is fucking with me mentally.

As I walked into your house I got all of theses little butterflies in my stomach. I was so excited and scared to see him at the same time. I went into his room cautiously looking around before I stepped in. Scared to maybe see something that would hurt me. No! Don't do this to yourself right now. He is not with another women. He's not with that little bitch he says is just his friend. Fuck that. My butterflies turned into rage in split seconds. I turned and saw you on your bed. You looked up and smiled, that moment all my fears melted away. I ran into your arms and kissed you so passionately. You played with my hair and kissed me on my neck,lips,forehead and eyes.. you said I have the most beautiful eyes ever and when we have kids you hope they get my eyes. Last night we made love so softly. I've missed you so much, your body against mine, your taste, your smell. I fell asleep in your arms... why am I so weak when it comes to you?